2.1 Lap Rights. HW will remain on human lap until good and ready to leave. No excuses (phonecall, someone at door, urgent call of nature) will be accepted - you have an answerphone; if it's important they'll ring/call back; you can control your bodily functions. Attempts to dislodge HW before he's good and ready will be met by big reproachful eyes, vociferous protest and stout resistance - passive (the 'dead weight' technique) or active (the 'grappling iron', and/or sharp nipping/clawing of fingers).

2.2 Small Items. HW reserves the right to play with any small important item (keys, favourite pen, lipstick, lighter) left on floor or other surface. HW takes no responsibility for loss or damage incurred to said items.

2.3 Access Rights. External doors/patio doors will be opened promptly when HW presents himself demanding ingress. (HW will intuit the most inconvenient moment to do this, ie just as you sit down to dine, or the opening credits roll on the movie). On approx 1 in 10 occasions this will be a genuine request; on the other 9 he will boing away with tail held aloft, and go hide in the woodpile until you're tucking in or the movie's reached a critical moment - whereupon the process will be repeated.

yo cats! u got slave trubble? then try mi hot tips:

to stay on lap: 1. purr n be cute - they cant resist. 2. but if they do, go boneless - u slip thru their hands an they cant get a grip. 3. hook on to garments (or flesh) - soon as they unhook 1 claw, catch on wi another. 4. keep sayin 'wah no wah no dont wanna' so they feel sorry for u. 5. kick n bite. 6. always remember slaves r weak - keep tryin till they give up, sit still n let u sleep in peace.

to find lost toys: push little things under couch till just beyond claw reach. NB - u must let em see u do this AT LEAST ONCE. wen they move couch to get things back theyll also find yor chewy golf balls n the catnip mousies u lost last month. result!

for big fun: sit outside window or patio door. give em big eyes n make wow n paw glass. when slave opens to let u in - run off laffin ha ha ha! do this many time - the power! the power! - is EXCELLENT SPORT. even better wen they chase u out n play tiggy-tail in garden - remember slaves slow n clumsy n can only catch if u let em. bonus point - theyll learn eventuly n fit u a private flappy-door. (NB - this game may not work if u already HAVE own flappy-door).

Here begin The Laws of Henry Wowler, set down for his people to obey:

1. After dining, HW requires a human cushion on which to sit while performing his ablutions. Caresses offered at such time will be rejected with long-suffering sighs and small whingey noises. NB: failure to provide said cushion will be met with punitive measures including clawing of furniture, climbing of curtains and knocking of ornaments off shelves.

2. External doors WILL be left ajar, irrespective of outdoor conditions, for HW to sit on the doormat until he has decided whether or not he wishes to venture forth. NB: failure to comply will be met with vociferous protest and punitive measures as outlined above.

3. Almost any titbit (peanut butter, cheese, cream and bits of meat being especially welcome) WILL be accepted when hand-fed from a human plate. Same titbit will be rejected if placed in a cat-bowl on the floor. NB: failure to offer such titbits at human meal-times will be met with hard stares, repeated assaults on the plate and, in the face of continued intransigence, punitive measures as outlined above.

Isn't it just typical - within 2 hours of forking out £20 on a scratchy post (complete with boinging jingle ball), spongy golf balls, a fine fluffy catnip rat and a new eating bowl for Henry Wowler, his original owners turned up on our doorstep! Far from being callously dumped in the woods, he'd actually escaped from their house at the end of October, and somehow survived in the wild for more than a week before hubcap found him. My heart sank into my slippers when they recognised him... but a month of adventures is a long time in a kitten's life - and when he didn't recognise them, or answer to his old name, they said we could keep him!

I'm so pleased... it wasn't until I thought we'd have to give him back that I realised how fond of him I'd become, how empty the house would feel without him, and how I'd miss him (in spite of his infernal naughtiness). So it's official - he's now 'our Henry'!